A recent new element discovered by the scientists at CERN may lead to immediate end results for canoe builders. Ughmaxium is a superheavy artificial chemical element with symbol Ug and atomic number 144. ... The most stable known Ughmaxium isotope, Ughuglium-289, has a half-life of around 2.6 seconds. Realizing that the end result in the canoe building process is the eventual,and usually terminal, marring or destruction of the finish, research engineers have found a way to include Ughuglium into paints and finishes to enable that process to begin simultaneously with application. No longer will you have to wait for months and years for your canoe to look like crap. It can look like crap right out of the can. Not only does Ughuglium have a short half-life, but it has a super-special property unknown in other chemicals -- it actually attracts UV rays as it ages. Early tests on canoe paints have found that after as short a time as a few months the UV attraction was so strong as to set fire to the canoe used for testing. Paint and varnish containing Ughuglium is easily applied, taking the usual nuclear-biological precautions. Ear protection is advised, since the orange peel and paint crackling which appears almost simultaneously with application can produce noise levels in excess of 125dB. We can expect Ughuglium paints and varnishes to find the market in just a few months. Preliminary test markets report great consumer interest in another scientific breakthrough -- especially in two lines: a varnish containing nanometer sized insect components which conglomerate into actual bugs upon exposure to light; and a paint containing nanometer sized materials, which, in the last few seconds just before the paint dries, will come together to form paint brush bristles firmly embedded in the surface.